I lay in my bed squished between love and more love. Little limbs, soft breaths,

I’ve read all the things. The dos and don’ts of a life lived well with a romantic partner. Julia says NO to making a habit of sleeping in different rooms when babies are young. Heather says make sure you create the routine of early bedtimes so as you get your couple time. Mike says make sure you commit to your relationship more than ever now, love on each other like you’ve never loved before. This demonstrates to the kids they’re worthy of the best love. Show them commitment to each other above all else, it will shape them. It will be what they seek.
Kim says you better “f#!3” daily, the more and the longer, the better, and Sasha says you best not criticise because you’ll make a woman out of him and kill all intimacy.

I love it, all of it and I agree.

But, we made it a habit. The past 6 years have been a dance of beds. Mostly with us dancing in other rooms. Bed sharing with little people and late nights with 1 or 2 but mostly 3 babes in toe. Minimal alone time let alone couple time.

Perspective is everything. And I don’t know. I feel pretty grateful for the flow and ease we’ve found. It’s absolutely not ideal but there has been more good than bad and as of last week there is ease. Over the last 6 years we have had a lot of flow, but not always or often was there ease. I am hopeful though now the ease is here to stay.

Because the thing is nothing sends you into a spiritual, self help spin, with a deep need to peel the onion layer, after painstaking layer, over and over and over again like having a child does.

But here’s the thing Julia, Heather and Mike haven’t noted. You won’t know who you are anymore once you’ve had the baby. I mean you might, and you might try hard to keep going on like they will just slot into your lives. But I think deep down you’ll feel the shift. It’s chemical for both partners, so just because you’re pretending you’re not a piece of magical star dust morphed into human form floating around on the rock you formed from, you likely won’t know who the man or lady next to you is either. And if they’re anything like me (unlikely, but do continue) they’re diving into a kettle of fish trying to dissect it all too.

Coming back… the ease.. the ease and the peace that I’ve found recently, it comes from a softening. I told my friend the other week after she asked “why do you think you’re so much softer?” And before I could even think I blurted out “I give less fucks”. In other words I found the clarity that everything is just as it is because, well, it is. Peter Crone articulates this seamlessly, and is worth spending countless hours watching in awe.

To me it’s realising that we may not have as much control over our lives as we’d like and maybe the soul contract is really the thing. Tiziano Sgeurso shared on a podcast I listened to recently. That (poor paraphrasing coming right up) the more we do what feels good the more we feel good and more life experience comes in to our lives.
But what is that nudge? Where does that urge come from? Is it free will? or is it the all encompassing power of the next phase, cycle on the contract?

I don’t know for sure but it feels pretty contract followy to me. For a deeper dive listen to this episode of my pod.

So, on the winter solstice in reflection of the past 6 months. I recognized the clarity I have had during this disillusionment phase. Where the facades broke inside and out. And the soft and easeful flow began again.

And I realise that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Somewhere in the middle of something. Exploring a new patch. Trusting this process and for the first time really truly believing that everything up until this point has been exactly as it was meant to be.

As for Hampus and I, sleeping in different rooms may or may not have tainted the relationship we formed in. What I do believe though is not prioritizing each other has absolutely been our down fall. And I mean we’re doing ok over here (for the most part) I mean we’re doing incredibly ok considering the darkening half of the year we’ve had.
For now I focus on attuning more to my feminine. Allowing its pivotal adjustments to nourish the inside of me and the cosmic womb within our relationship.

For now, I will stay wedged in between little feet and little bodies until such time as that needs to shift.

I’m sure I’ll get the nudge!